


Hedonism is not the Path to Happiness

by AsheTarasovich (natalieashe), Boffin1710



Series: Can't Drown My Demons, They Know How To Swim [53]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: Friendship, Hedonism, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Relationship(s), Psyche Interview, Regret, What Could Have Been
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:54:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25250437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/natalieashe/pseuds/AsheTarasovich, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Boffin1710/pseuds/Boffin1710
Summary: “In the long run, trying to find happiness solely through hedonism leads to a sense of meaninglessness and emptiness.”
Relationships: James Bond/Madeleine Swann, James Bond/Q, Q/Alec Trevelyan
Series: Can't Drown My Demons, They Know How To Swim [53]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/456229
Comments: 9
Kudos: 47
Collections: 007 Fest Fancreations





	Hedonism is not the Path to Happiness

**Author's Note:**

> I came across an interesting article on the Psychology Today website and it immediately made me think of Bond.
> 
> For the quote citation including link please see the end notes.
> 
> Mental Health issues are implied in this fic, but in no real depth.

Bond stepped from the shower area, naked and dripping. His workout had been punishing and his shoulders still screamed in protest in spite of the hot water massage. Sixty lengths of the pool, followed by two circuits of the main weights room, and twenty minutes lifting free weights. His head still wasn’t clear and settled enough for what was to come, but there was no putting it off.

The locker room was empty for once. He sagged gratefully against the adjacent locker, feeling ten years more than his age. He grabbed a towel and roughly scrubbed at his wet hair.

As usual, the magazine clipping taped to the inside of the door, fluttered and grabbed his attention. He knew the words by heart now.

_“There is an inherent selfishness in hedonism — by focusing on their own personal search for pleasure, hedonists put themselves before others, and neglect their responsibilities.”_

He didn’t realise he had drifted into stillness. The warmth of the room dried the beads of water lingering on his skin, making it prickle and itch, but his focus was on reading every word over.

Homework. He fucking hated homework at school. Now, at forty-odd, it was no more appealing.

But he had vowed to himself that this time he would _try_.

The Scottish bitch from Psych - the one that he could never seem to rile or provoke - would be waiting for him upstairs. Waiting to talk again about his need for pleasure to replace any form of connection in his life.

Connection. Like that was a thing possible for a man with his life. Six made it almost impossible to form lasting relationships. Bond thought he’d found it this time, with Madeleine, but had hardly dared hope...

_“In the long run, trying to find happiness solely through hedonism leads to a sense of meaninglessness and emptiness.”_

Madeleine.

She was just another cock-up in a long line of mistakes, all designed to keep him riding his high. It took too few months for the cracks to start to show. Too quickly her gentle naivety turned to blandness, and her intelligent insight to whining about him and everything he did to fill the emptiness of the void in his soul.

But he stayed. One year, two, three…. 

Until the day he woke up to find her gone. Her note brought only relief that the lie of his life was over.

Back to the present, and the clipping. He traced his forefinger over the creases pensively. After their third session, Shelagh (that was the Psych bitch’s name) had handed him the article and asked him to identify similarities and differences between it and his behaviour. He had crumpled it into a ball, but there was no waste paper basket for him to toss it into in disgust, so he had shoved it into his pocket instead.

The psychology sessions were part of his penance laid down by Mallory, for Bond to learn the error of his ways before he was allowed back into active service with Six. He had attended another half-dozen post-Madeleine sessions since that one, steadfastly refusing to engage in any discussion about his nature in each, before he finally smoothed out the article and read it properly with a bottle of Scotch on hand to ease the sting.

Bond knew he was renowned as a pleasure-seeker, a hedonist, but it had never occurred to him that it was considered it a _problem_. What could be wrong with enjoying the good things in life? Not even the charmed 007 can hit lucky with everything, or everyone, but he does so enjoy his wins.

“Nothing,” Shelagh said with an encouraging smile, “but do you find it to be a fulfilling lifestyle, given its impermanence?”

“Fulfilling?” Bond shrugs like the word has no meaning for him. “My job leaves little time for worrying about how _fulfilling_ a relationship is, much less it’s permanence.”

“So that’s why you walked away from the Service? To give yourself time and space to discover if Ms Swann was what you had been searching for?”

He narrowed his eyes at the doctor. “At the time, I intended it to be forever.”

“Your relationship with Ms Swann? Or your retirement?”

“Both.”

_Had he really expected that?_ He tossed the damp towel into the nearest basket and pulled fresh clothing from his locker. Underwear, socks, Armani jeans and a titanium grey Prada shirt. His casual style was as much his armour as the designer suits.

Once dressed, he left the gym behind and made his unhurried way up to the third floor and Psych.

“James, come in, take a seat. Coffee? Tea, or water maybe?”

Normally he refused. Her show of hospitality was a ruse to get him to lower his guard, rather than any effort to welcome him. His fingers curled around the wooden arms of his chair.

“Coffee. Please. Black, with two.”

If he surprised her with his acceptance this time, she didn’t make it obvious. _Almost as skilled at concealment as a double O._ Bond made a mental note to tread carefully, smiled graciously when she handed him the cup and saucer, and settled down to prepare for the session.

“Today I want to talk about 006. You said in a previous session that you were friends, as well as colleagues?”

Bond shrugged, unwilling to give anything away. She could earn her salary. “Sure…”

“How do you think your departure, and then return, affected your friendship and working relationship?”

Bond exhaled slowly. Alec had been furious when Bond first returned. Their reunion involved fists and alcohol, curses and further promises of violence if James was ever to misstep again. It took a few weeks, but warily, Alec came around and now their friendship was conducted with a brutal and bitter edginess.

There were things Bond did not expect, and was _not_ prepared for. Like Alec’s relationship with Q, the second anniversary fast approaching. And the plans Alec had shared with Bond on how he would propose very soon.

“You expected the World to stand still while you were gone?” Shelagh asked.

Bond denied it, but a part of him had. A large part had anticipated marching back into MI6, to be greeted like a long lost son, to find Q waiting for him in the garage exactly where Bond had left him when he drove the car away.

But Q’s reception was cool, businesslike. The sass and banter were replaced with brisk instructions and ‘no time for chit chat, Bond’. Bond felt the void inside him hollow a little more with each rebuffed attempt to talk.

“Alec is different. More settled. He’s made it clear where I stand. Working together won’t be a problem.”

Alec knew, of course, that the lure that drew Bond back to Six was not the job. Bond had wanted to retire long before he left, Madeleine’s damsel in distress routine just made the decision easier. Easier, but not well thought through. Bond was the antihero, not the happy-ever-after she expected.

“And personally?”

Bond tugged at his shirt cuff giving himself time to formulate an answer. He could never hide much from Alec, and Alec had made it abundantly clear that there was no way back to Q for Bond.

“006 is gleeful in listing all the things he believes I should give up to truly atone for all the hurt my love of excess caused,” Bond said bitterly.

The Tom Ford suits, the DB5, high end restaurants and meaningless flirting with beautiful people. _“Leave it at work”_ Alec had said, _“it’s all just a uniform. Explore the simple pleasures that make life worth living, with a partner who doesn’t give a shite how much your undercrackers cost.”_

“And do you agree with him?”

“That’s why I’m here, isn’t it?” Bond growled.

“It’s one reason. I’m sure there are others, and that’s your homework for this week. Think about why you are engaging with our sessions this time around. I’m very glad you are, James.”

Bond huffed and turned his eyes ceilingward.

The trouble, Bond thought, is that he finally understood what he needed, and he knew it couldn’t be found in any of the things he used to treasure. He knew before he left with her, but his vulnerability terrified him so much that he bolted.

He knew when M died, leaving him alone in the world. _Almost_ alone. There was one other who trusted Bond even though he could see through the cracks in Bond’s veneer.

He knew when Silva escaped, and his posh, sassy voice guided him through the underground, ordering him to ‘put his back into it’, and then later helped Bond disappear.

He knew in the gallery, when the cheeky little shite mocked him without malice but with a liberal sprinkling of snark.

Bond _knew_.

Hedonistic pleasures demanded so little of Bond.

The pursuit of happiness required far too much.

**Author's Note:**

> “There is an inherent selfishness in hedonism — by focusing on their own personal search for pleasure, hedonists put themselves before others, and neglect their responsibilities.”
> 
> “In the long run, trying to find happiness solely through hedonism leads to a sense of meaninglessness and emptiness.”
> 
> Steve Taylor, Ph.D., senior lecturer in psychology at Leeds Beckett University UK, writing for Psychology Today, Posted Aug 26, 2017  
> https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/out-the-darkness/201708/why-hedonism-doesnt-lead-happiness


End file.
